Once they are able to take more than three steps, every child on the planet whose home has indoor plumbing develops a fascination with the toilet. Not just flushing to see and hear the great whirlpool, but to conduct scientific operations on volume, density, and what else can possibly be crammed down that funny little hole.
My toddler has been obsessed with all things flushable since he could drag his chubby body to the bathroom. Toilet paper was his first love, and every day was a celebration judging from the explosion of white streamers pouring out of the bathroom at any given moment. If you visit our home and need a moment alone, you may be taken aback at the large basket overflowing with the toilet tissue that our thoughtful boy has joyously freed from the confines of its roll. That stuff doesn’t roll back up, Martha Stewart.
Personal products aside, toddlers seem to crave the sense of power a good flush gives them. Our little one waddles into the bathroom ahead of you as fast as his diaper will allow. There is no escaping him – he can sense urgency before you even know you need to go. He would follow the Pope into the bathroom if His Holiness ever graced our humble domicile with his presence and requested a few moments of solitary reflection. He (the toddler, not the Pontiff) stands, ready to pounce the moment he thinks you may have finished. “ALL DONE!!” he screeches, hurling himself at the toilet before you have even a moment to consider where the giant basket of exploded toilet tissue is. He begins pumping the flush handle, cackling like a tiny, insane madman at THE ABSOLUTE POWER!! Young Dr. Toiletstein then often shoves on your hip, forcing you out of the way so that he can view the cyclonic extravaganza he has created. He may step back at this point and allow you a brief moment of personal hygiene. Be forewarned, however; he will be overseeing and engineering all waste disposal for the duration of your visit to the loo.
Their fascination is not limited, however, to evacuation and interior decorating. The study of flush mechanics and what will and will not pay for your plumber’s next European cruise is of top priority. Anything is fair game. Common items found in the bathroom such as soap dispensers, hand towels and assorted dental products are usually the first test subjects. Feminine hygiene items are considered excellent for experimentation and generally require long term observation and testing (long term for toddlers being exactly two minutes) . Small toy cars are inevitably next. I personally believe that every homeowner housing a child under the age of three should receive extensive training in how to pull a toilet off the floor and removal of playdoh from copper pipes.
By the time a parent thinks they have enough hands-on experience to qualify for a plumbing contractor license, the child flips the script and loses all interest in flushing the toilet. Guest requests to visit the powder room result in a mad parental dash to make sure all toilets are in a sanitary condition. Bathrooms often resemble cesspools, with the now resident preschooler shocked that modern toilets come equipped with automatic flush systems. This is the same child who, only a few years before, was the self-proclaimed Potty Nazi.
There is only one definite in the Battle of the Bathroom. The male of the species will never, ever develop aim or accuracy. Ever. Men may win medals for shooting arrows at a tiny bulls-eye half a mile away, but will never master the intricate technique of targeting a giant porcelain bowl only inches away.
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