Four Imaginary Walls

Humans are strange, strange animals.  People in close proximity with each other, say, in a waiting room or elevator, seem to practice the utmost decorum and inoffensive behavior possible.  For instance, it is an unspoken rule that you must always leave an empty chair between yourself and others.  Always stand a respectful, moderate distance behind others at the reception desk.  Step back to allow the elderly to get where they need to go first.  If I had to hazard a guess, I’d say that nearly everyone follows these guidelines out in public (except New Jersey divas, but that’s a different post).

Elevators require even more militant self-control.  Never, ever make eye contact for any reason.  If you do happen to be caught looking at someone, immediately dart your gaze to the digital readout above the doors showing the floor number.  I do not know who decided that looking at another person in an elevator is akin to having your fly unzipped – I just know that it is an action acceptable only from small children, those with diminished capabilities and nice little old ladies.

The Golden Rule of elevator etiquette however, is the control of bodily functions.  To belch, pass gas, clip your toenails, clean your ears or pick your nose is a crime punishable by death in many countries.  Don’t be shocked…possession of boogers alone will get you twenty-five years hard labor in North Korea.  Watch “The Colbert Report”.  It’s where I get all my news and political information.  But I digress.   How many times have you gotten on an elevator and the lone man on it suddenly stuffs his hands in his pockets and stares at the ceiling like “Sports Center” is up there or something?  Never, ever shake hands with such a man.

This brings me to my point.  I know, you’re thinking, “Fourth paragraph in…finally!” Why is it that when you put a windshield, metal doors, and some windows between people on the road that they completely lose their mind and all the

aforementioned good manners? 

Always stand a respectful, moderate distance behind others.

I can usually smell other drivers’ coffee they’re so close.  I have never understood the need to wait bumper to bumper at a traffic light…we’re all going to get to the next light at approximately the same time, no matter how fast you peel out.  If you want to see this stacking phenomenon in action, visit a preschool class and watch them line up.  They are usually packed so tight on top of each other that the line leader has to get extra stickers for combat duty.  I feel like a broken record sometimes…”Slow down.  The playground isn’t closing.  We will all get there at the same time.  Back up and let the line leader regain blood flow to her extremities, please…” (I actually talk to them like that.  They usually giggle a bit and resume crushing the line leader).

Wait a minute.  Maybe there could be a sign at intersections…”Slow down.  Back up. Taco Bell isn’t closing.  We will all screech to a stop at the next light in approximately 45 seconds.  You are causing the retirees in the Grand Marquis to strap on their oxygen tanks…”

Step back to allow the elderly to get where they need to go first. 

Well, there is a valid argument with this one.  There are approximately 950,000,000,001

senior citizens in Central Florida.  If we let them all go first, the nineteen of us left that are under fifty would be trapped in our driveways.  As long as we can avoid the 30 mile per hour traffic rush during the early bird special at Golden Corral we might make it.

Never, ever make eye contact for any reason.

HA!  Put up four imaginary walls around someone and they turn into Forrest Gump gawking in a store window.  I cannot tell you how many times I’ve glanced over at another car at a traffic light and caught them staring at me, slack-jawed.  I’ve actually checked the mirror once or twice to make sure my nose was still on straight.  I mean, unless you’re next to the Elephant Man at an intersection, what in green gravy could possibly cause you to stare at them like something is spurting out their ears?  Is it just me?  I know I’m not a raving beauty that garners random adoring gazes – the only adoring gazes I get are when I show up somewhere with dessert.  Sometimes I just want to roll down my window and yell, “WHAT????”

I can’t, though.  With my luck, Jared of the Big, Unfiltered Mouth will think it’s hysterical and do it to an unmarked patrol car, carrying an equally unmarked patrol officer.

To belch, pass gas, clip your toenails, clean your ears or pick your nose…

OK folks, these are what floor me.  Granted, we can’t see you belch or fart, and if you can clip your toenails while driving…well, we won’t go there.  But come on….we can see you picking your nose!!  Really!  Would you stand in a room full of giant windows and mirrors with people passing you on either side, trying to find your brain through your nostril??  No?  Then why do you think the four doors of your Corolla form some sort of imaginary force field that no one can penetrate or see through? 

            What is it about those steel sidebars that so drastically changes our behavior and demeanor?  Would you flip Granny the bird if she picked up the copy of “Field and Stream” you had your eye on in the waiting room?  Well of course not…but it’s perfectly OK to scream at her and utilize sign language (not the kind for deaf people) when she isn’t moving those Hush Puppies fast enough across the street. 

Most people just seem to view their cars as an extension of their bodies.  If that’s so…then back up!!!!