Passing the Buck

     I discovered that I was pregnant in February, and underwent six weeks of ultrasounds and exams before eventually losing the baby in April.  I ended up in the emergency room in June with severe abdominal pain, and discovered the pregnancy didn’t “resolve itself” and had to have medical intervention to end things.  Yes, I know this isn’t funny at all, but trust me...it will be. 

             I received this letter yesterday.

From: Big Clueless Health Insurance Company

            Dear Mary,

Big Clueless Health Insurance Company retains the services of Even More Clueless Recovery Systems to review claims when an illness may have been the result of getting hurt at work, on commercial premises, or a motor vehicle accident.  These are common causes of health problems where other parties could be responsible for paying your costs.

            I could no longer read the letter at this point because I was blinded by tears and accompanying paralyzing hysterical laughter.  Let’s analyze, shall we?

1.      Somewhere, someone who is human should have at least glanced over my case and seen the word “pregnant”.  Logically, the word “pregnant” should have sent up a red flag in conjunction with the words “at work, on commercial premises, or a motor vehicle accident”.

a)      “At work” – This is kinda icky, as I am a preschool teacher.  I’m sure that there are a number of people that get pregnant on the job, but I seriously doubt it can be claimed for workman’s comp.  We don’t even have any male employees, so it would have had to have been one of the kids’ fathers.  That could count as work-related, but on the job?  It would take Jose Baez to try to muddle through that one.

b)      “On commercial premises” – Almost as icky as on the job.  I wouldn’t be surprised if someone got pregnant at Walmart.  I wouldn’t be surprised if a Walmart employee got pregnant on the job and tried to file workman’s comp.  I, however, do not engage in pregnancy-inducing behavior on commercial premises, except for hotels.  If that was the case, I could sue the St. Augustine Holiday Inn for “injuries” resulting in my son Jared.  We probably shouldn’t analyze this angle any further, however, as I don’t want to give lawsuit happy ambulance chasers any more ideas.

c)      “Or a motor vehicle accident” – This has a myriad of possibilities.  Becoming pregnant while operating a motor vehicle could have caused an accident.  Someone else becoming pregnant and then hitting me could have also caused…wait…. no, it couldn’t.  I’m sure some teenager will try to use that excuse one day though.  Maybe being in a motor vehicle accident would have caused me to require consolation from my husband later, resulting in pregnancy. 

2.      I have to respond to this letter through a questionnaire either online or over the phone.  I’m leaning more towards doing it over the phone as that promises to be much, much more entertaining.  The questions are listed below in italics – my possible responses are bolded.

Why did the patient seek medical attention?

As I’m sure my medical records and insurance claim forms clearly show, I was pregnant.  With a human baby. (I include that as these people have already proved to be about as smart as a box of hair).

Were the patient’s injuries the result of a motor vehicle accident?

Unless the conception occurred in a junkyard, no.

Where did the accident or injury happen?

That’s getting a little personal.

Did you file a report of injury?

Not unless sticking my head out the bathroom door and yelling, “Two lines on the stick!  Flush my happy pills!” at my husband counts.

Was settlement or insurance money received from another party?

Don’t I wish.  If I could convince Antonio Banderas that the baby was his, I’d be all set.  Tell him I’m the one from Walmart.

Is the patient represented by an attorney for this incident?

Yes.  I’m suing my husband.  Nancy Grace will be covering the incident at 8PM and 10PM. 

            I’ll let ya’ll know how it turns out.